Its 7.30 AM. I still havent slept at all. Im tired, and my stupid myopia contact lenses are sticky and make my vision blurry. I am currently washing my makeup brushes, not for hygiene as much as another reason to wake up tommorow, something minor that will probably keep me excited for the next five minutes after I swallow the last drops of coffee.

I am tired. Not physically tired of course, as I havent been undertaking any significant physical activity. As I wipe the makeup off my brushes, I wonder why. What is this emotional burden Im feeling, as if I have been fighting with a significant other for six hours straight.

And then it hits me.

I have been fighting all day long. Initially with my friend, who fails to understand that when you treat people poorly, they will treat you the exact same manner. That friends are friends, and not parents, and will not be as forgiving as family often is. Then, with my crush. I hate developing feelings, and I am desperately seeking a way to become apathetic again. Because feelings for me do not equal joy, they equal emotional pain and insecurities and miserable attachments and a stupid reconstruction of a mutual identity that I am not a fan of. I do not experience particular joy in romantic relationships. I just suffer, and there is that. And then with family members.

I've always took pride in my intelligence. Most people do not realize, because I avoid anything deep or any serious chats. Nothing personal, I even avoid my own thoughts, that's why I am so desperately attached to my online persona. Because I want something light and fun, not philosophical convos, and mind you, if i ever wanted that, ive had my fair share of doctors of philosophy so I wouldnt bother with people that have nothing to teach me.

And I made a sudden realization; I am clinging on people that are constantly testing my patience. That are constantly canceling plans, that are constantly being offensive and disrespectful. People whose mere presence I do not enjoy, but I rather tolerate. I am always excusing them for their shitty behavior due to their, quite literally, emotional problems. And in the end of the day, after all these tantrums and my patience, what do I get back? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not new experiences, as we rarely hang out, since everyone is busy with their static love lives and whatnot.  There are very few things I can be taught from these people and , up to now, its about looking good, and Im tired of listening endless convos on how to moisturize your skin apply lipstick or get a sixpack. I dont get any sort of affection or emotional support back because god forbid I have emotions or a mental breakdown. God forbid I gain weight. To conclude, I think I am officially running out of patience.